Something Has To Change
When I got to the point I was pulling in my garage after work and just sitting there for 10-15 minutes, scrolling through my phone and crying, I knew something had to change. The feeling of resentment towards myself began to really sink in. I would become so anxious and taken over by anxiety when sharing problems and issues with a confidant. I became so mad at myself for being in the same situation that I was in two years ago. I knew something had to change. I had someone say to me, “it seems like you’re mad at somebody.” I told them, ‘I’m mad at myself.’ I knew I was the only one to blame for my situation. I had to change. It had got to the point when I would hear my cellphone making a certain notification noise, I would cringe as the first thought was that it was something work related.
I was so bored, drained, confused, and depressed. It was during this time of intense pressure that my creative juices started to flow and idea after idea kept coming to my mind. I had so many ideas going through my mind of what I wanted to do to change my life, but I didn’t know where to begin. I have read and heard about people suffering from depression, but it wasn’t until I experienced it myself that I knew how it really felt and the effect it can have on a person’s life.
Something has to change. I knew it was me that had to change. If I was unhappy with my present situation, I had to be the one to make a move to change my unhappiness. What I was experiencing is not the person that I know I was meant to be. I wanted more in life. There were things that were happening that I just could not believe. I felt like I was losing control of my life. I couldn’t keep up. The laundry piled up, bills piled up, and I was fed up! I was experiencing one thing after another from many different angles. I was allowing myself to be used, mistreated, bullied, manipulated, gaslighted and just mentally abused all in the name of being the bigger person and taker the higher road.
I had to reinvent myself. I had to change my mindset. I had to reprioritize. I had to dream again. I had to get out of my feelings and move forward with bettering myself and putting myself first. SoMEthIng has to change… it’s ME… I am the change.